Hey, Finding Her Fam!
It’s my first time really addressing the scope of my reality, but my heart is just screaming to write.
Over the last few months, I’ve reached some crazy highs and lows within the same time frame. I have worked so hard on writing and women’s ministry over the last year and I’ve seen some of the most amazing results, both in my heart and through building relationships.
In May, I was offered a full-time ministry job in Sports Ministry, which was different, but I saw it as a really cool place to introduce my passion into ministry. A few weeks later, I also heard I was in the running for a director position for a local ministry near me as well. Two huge doors opened for me all because of my dedication to the Lord and the Finding Her Ministry. My cup runneth over!
I prayed so hard for guidance and direction in making the right decision. I specifically asked the Lord to make my next step known; that I wanted to be confident I was following in the direction He wanted me, even if it looked different from what I had imagined.
It was only a few days (yes, days) later I found out my husband had been having an affair. Something shut off inside of me. Right then, I felt God saying — This. You need to handle this first.
I turned down both jobs and I made the decision to leave my marriage of ten years because I whole-heartedly believe the Lord confirmed what my heart was saying, “Ministry can’t happen in a toxic, unfaithful marriage.” I begged for years for him to change. I stayed regardless. I prayed for him. I loved him unconditionally while he stepped on my heart time and time again. Over the last few years, I have become withdrawn from my marriage and finding rest and love in the Lord. As time passed, my marriage literally felt more and more distant. I hated this feeling, and hoped so hard he’d catch up or we would find each other again.
What brought on my courage to finally walk away? Finding Her.
I cannot even begin to explain the work God has done in my life through this ministry. I found Her. A better version of me that I longed to be. One where Christ is center of my life and everything else feeds from it. Slowly, I’ve found my calling as I prayed my husband would find his through this, too. But that didn’t happen.
I’m facing the harsh, heartbreaking reality that to find Her, I’d have to let him go.
I see why. I know in my heart completely that God’s got something huge planned from this, but I can’t lie when I say I’m crushed. I gave my all for a Godly marriage and now, the only marriage I had is gone. But I’d be lying if I said it was anything closely resembling “Godly.”
Here I am, picking up the pieces and truly saying for the first time with my whole heart—“Lord, do your thing.” This is a rough road. One month into my new beginning, and I’m still devastated. I burst into tears for little to no reason, I get emotional just trying to carry on simple conversations. I’m still healing, but I long to write and get my hands back into women’s ministry. In time, I will.
Here’s the thing: God’s plans for our lives don’t always align with our ideas. The marriage I had was hard. My plan was to see it through; and prove to everyone that through one wife’s commitment to her husband, through perseverance and prayer, he would “change.” And God came back and said, “No. You give him to me. I have bigger plans for you.”
I wasn’t proving anything to myself or anyone. I was fighting a losing battle I was forcing myself into. I was in the way. I surrendered my marriage to Christ and through that, found an entirely different answer. How could this be? I thought I was doing the noble thing. I thought it was right. I thought this was my calling– to be the wife that never gave up.
I’m still wrestling with this, but I want to say– that walking away has been the most eye opening, freeing experience ever. People have rushed to my side, supported me, loved my children and offered us everything. For that, I am grateful. I’m in such awe of the people in my life and the support while we figure out what’s next.
I’ll check in soon. In the meantime, know I’m coming back and Finding Her is going to do some big, big things. You thought I was strong before… I’ve been weaponized with the Holy Spirit and nothing’s holding me back now! Katie 2.0 is heavily in the making.